For some people, deciding against the excesses of a fancy catered party to celebrate a bar or bat mitzva is a matter of simple economics. "At some point, my daughter came to understand that it was a year at college or an afternoon at a catering hall," said Bob Adler, president of Temple Ner Tamid in Bloomfield, describing the decision to host a kiddush luncheon at the synagogue following his daughter Rachel becoming a bat mitzva.

It was a catered affair that kept the focus on the service. Everyone present was welcome to attend the luncheon. The next day, mother and daughter went together to see a Broadway show. The full cost of the bat mitzva celebration, held in January 2003, was $8,000.

Discomfort with the lavish bar or bat mitzva celebration is nothing new. Every generation of Jews promises they won't repeat the over-the-top mistakes of their parents, and the next thing they know they are booking a 15-piece orchestra and ordering potted palm trees to go with the party's jungle theme.

But some clergy are noticing a subtle shift among congregants away from fancy parties, and say that even those who ultimately choose the lavish affair are thinking harder about the celebrations they are planning.

Different reasons are offered for the emerging trend, ranging from the sour economy to a generational shift in taste that favors more casual affairs. Some say those choosing alternative, low-key celebrations are a self-selecting group, tending to affiliate with more "down-to-earth" congregations where economic diversity dictates the need for creative options. You are also more likely to find the choice being made by regular synagogue-goers, who often are the minority in large suburban congregations.

The most common of the alternative celebration involves a kiddush luncheon held in the synagogue the afternoon of the bar or bat mitzva service, followed in the evening or the next day by a kids-only party. Most often, the party is held in a rented hall with a DJ; but local clergy report that more backyard parties, pool parties, and gym parties are being planned. Some are more creative. In one congregation, a parent took his son with some friends out on a rented fishing boat for a day.

The luncheon/kids-only combination, according to approving clergy, keeps the focus of the day where it belongs: The luncheon is a reminder that the child is ready to take on communal responsibilities; the kids' party allows 12 and 13 year olds to celebrate like, well, 12 and 13 year olds.

"Thirteen-year-old boys want to run around and make noise," said Cantor Erica Lippitz of Congregation Oheb Shalom in South Orange. For her own son's bar mitzva, she followed the kiddush luncheon/kids-party formula, adding a small private dinner on Saturday night.

"I go to parties at a catering hall and feel terrible for the kids," said Rabbi Daniel Levin of Congregation Emanu El of West Essex in Livingston. "What they want to do is run around, not be dressed up all afternoon and eat politely and make polite conversation."

Levin said he is struck by the common misperception that Judaism believes the bar or bat mitzva service marks the rite of passage to adulthood. "Nowhere in Jewish texts has anyone ever thought a 13 year old is a grownup. There's a great passage in the Talmud where two rabbis ask at what point does a youth become a man. They disagree, but neither uses '13' as a figure."

Others skip the children's party and spend the money on a family trip. Some go to Israel, but other destinations, like St. Thomas or Australia, are not uncommon. Not cost saving, perhaps, but they are about spending quality family time together, according to Levin.

A few families are abandoning the traditional formula altogether. Raizy Goldberg of West Orange and Dalya Arussy of Livingston will celebrate becoming b'not mitzva with a community concert featuring the popular singer Yehuda, on Sunday, Sept. 7, at Joseph Kushner Hebrew Academy in Livingston, where they are both students.

They each came up with the idea for a concert separately. When they found out they were doing the same thing one month apart, they decided to make it a single joint effort. The concert is open to the community, but Raizy and Dalya will be requesting donations to benefit Shaare Zedek Medical Center in Israel.

Each bat mitzva celebration will also include a separate private event for family and friends. Raizy will have a reception at Congregation Ohr Torah in West Orange preceding the concert, where she will offer a d'var Torah on the texts she chose to learn. Dalya will be taking a trip to Israel with her family, and will offer her d'var Torah there.

Giving parents guidance

Susan Dworken, head of school at Kushner, has been encouraging low-key affairs. The school's new policy regarding bar and bat mitzva celebrations includes a section on appropriate entertainment. The school suggests affairs that are more modest in cost and reflect the nature of the occasion, welcoming the young man or woman into the Torah community. It even includes information suggesting how many people ought to be invited, whom to invite, and how to add a charitable component.

"We did it to give parents more guidance," she said.

Dworken said that — unlike Raizy and Dalya's choice, which reflects a commitment to giving something back to the community — many bat or bar mitzva celebrations remain glitzy Saturday night affairs. On the other hand, she has seen a shift from Saturday night receptions at catering halls to Shabbat-only celebrations.

Although catering halls such as Crystal Plaza in Livingston said they have not seen a change in their business, some synagogues report an increase in the use of their social halls. At Temple Emanu El of West Essex, temple party bookings were way up this year, compared to last, according to administrator Mary Ellen Kaplan.

In South Orange, "Parties have become much more low-key at [Congregation] Beth El over the past five years," said former Beth El president David Beyth of South Orange. More and more people are opting for the congregational kiddush luncheon, he said, although many still go for the catered affair.

Alternative parties are not for everyone. Amy Young of Livingston, who recently celebrated her daughter Hilary's bat mitzva at The Manor in West Orange, had a hard time envisioning a backyard party celebration when it was mentioned by NJ Jewish News. After a long silence on the other end of the telephone, she finally responded, "We haven't done that since the old days when the kids were four or five. I don't know if that could cut it. Maybe with big tents or something more elaborate. It's a tough crowd."

One of the major obstacles to bucking glitz is peer pressure, as Young readily acknowledged. "We live in an affluent area. Our children expect certain things. We as parents allow ourselves to get trapped into big parties. The celebrations probably don't have to be as lavish as we plan them, but sometimes it's hard to entertain large group of kids and adults at the same time."

Young said she considered alternatives for Hilary's bat mitzva party. "Truthfully, I really think it's ostentatious what we do in this area. We lose touch with what the day represents," she said. In the end, however, she gave in to the pressure. "I couldn't come up with something I thought was classy but less expensive," she said. She would have considered having the party in a synagogue social hall, she said, "if it were attractive" — but her synagogue doesn't have a hall.

In the end, the day cost between $15,000 and $20,000, said Young. "Spending all that money on a party is unsettling," she added.

Young considers herself lucky to have had the money to spend, and her affair was at the moderate end of the scale. Interviews for this story indicated that some celebrations can run in excess of $50,000.

To keep up, some people go into debt, taking second mortgages or other kinds of loans.

Carnivals and safaris

Big-ticket b'nei mitzva celebrations perturb Cantor Martha Novick of Temple Emanu El in Westfield. "We've had carnivals, safaris with animals, even a Star Wars bat mitzva. They're not less than $50,000. How can we teach our children a sense of values spending $20,000 to $50,000 in four hours?" She estimates that lower key affairs cost between $5,000 and $15,000.

Novick runs preparatory meetings with parents three years ahead of the big day. She encourages parents to create a meaningful celebration. She has found that it is often the children who hold out for a big party. "I've had parents ask me to talk to their children. They are leaning toward not having a big, lavish affair, but the kids aren't convinced," she said.

At a recent meeting at Oheb Shalom for parents whose children will come b'nei mitzva in 2006, parents discussed recent trends. "They were looking for support from one another to set religious standards, so that all of the families would take into consideration how the nature of their simha would affect the decisions of other families," said Lippitz. The parents were savvy enough to understand that, for families holding celebrations later in the year, pressure builds to match the parties held earlier in the year.

Novick often recommends alternatives that reinforce the true meaning of the day, such as replacing flower centerpieces with baskets filled with food destined for a food pantry, something she did at her own son's bar mitzva celebration. She let the kids fill the baskets, and found that they "were competing to make the nicest baskets," she said. Other similar efforts include centerpieces of books to be donated to a library, or place cards indicating that the child had made a donation to a particular charitable organization in honor of each guest.

Charitable organizations have seen a boon in exactly this kind of bar mitzva contribution. For a donation of $750, Jewish National Fund provides 100 certificates that can be used as invitations, place cards, favors, or thank-you cards. Coordinator Linda Benison said she has seen a definite increase in the number of people using the service. "People we work with feel that this is more than just a celebration. It's all about giving tzedaka and putting the mitzva back in bar mitzva," she said.

Johanna Ginsberg can be reached at .